10 Great Wrestlers Who Seriously Sucked As Actors
Remember the first time you were told Santa wasnt real? Probably didnt compare to the first time you were told that everything you ever saw in WWE as a kid was fakery, right? Wrestlers are, in theory, the greatest actors on earth, so why is it that their ventures into the mainstream film world are always so totally crappy? We dont know, but we like it, and so bestow upon this phenomenon a top ten list of the very worst Enjoy.
10. The Rock
Of the cornucopia of roles The Rock has enjoyed since leaving the wrestling world – including the seminal, groundbreaking, artistic masterpiece, The Scorpion King – Tooth Fairy has to be his very lowest low. The knuckleheaded proponent of brutal moves seems to have forgotten all the acting he was taught in order to get through a round in the ring, as his performance in this already barrel-scrapingcrock of celluloid feces is akin to watching Bush struggling through a speech. The synopsis is achingly dumb: The Rock (who now calls himself Dwayne Johnson) starts out as an immoral shithead who, through total magic, is transformed into thegood guy after a grueling stint as the tooth fairy. Vomit away, this film blows.
9. ‘Stone Cold’ Steve Austin
Is there a more overdone concept in action movie history than the sending of badboy criminals to remote locations in order to fight to the death for their freedom? No, there is not. This didn’t seem to bother the makers of The Condemned – nor did the use of the most goddamned boring title for a movie ever. I guess they must have thought that adding in British numbskull soccer player-cum-movie moron Vinnie Jones as the supporting role would have justified it; after all, they already bagged ‘Stone Cole’ Steve Austin for the lead, a man renowned for his Oscar-worthy performances… Steve gurns his way through the duration of the movie like a caveman who’s just discovered marijuana and the basic principles of the modern English language, his chrome dome and homoerotic mustache giving him a touch of sensitivity in a role which was destined to suck. Death Ring already did this concept better, and that’s the worst movie we’ve ever seen, plus Screech from Saved By the Bell would make a more convincing badass than Stone Cold. Avoid.
Remember how we claimed that The Condemned had the most obvious action movie synopsis on earth? Well See No Evil is the horror movie equivalent. Eight teenagers of mixed gender spend the night in a motel, but little did they know that the motel IS RUN BY A PSYCHOPATH! What a shocker. Yawn. Snooze. Enter freaking’ sandman. Kane plays the psychopath, believe it or not, and manages to make this already tantalizingly shit horror-fest into something from an incredible dream, provided the dream revolves around boring you literally into stone. Kane resembles a corpse. Not because he’s meant to look freaky – he already does – but because a corpse is the only available metaphor to describe the quality of his astoundingly poor acting skills. He should be given an Oscar for this, in his colon, by Susan Sarandon.
7. Terry Funk
Over the Top might be the most rednecked movie in Hollywood history. A man keen on starting his own trucking company arm wrestles his way across America in order to compete in the grand final of an arm wrestling championship. The prize? Some dollars and a truck. Stallone stars as the culturally-challenged arm wrestling fanatic, and meets a match in those stakes when the impeccable Funk enters the fray as Ruker. Did we say impeccable? We meant godawful. There aren’t enough cliched insults to describe this movie, nor Funk’s appearance in it. He does however deserve an accolade for being the most audacious ‘actor’ since the Enron guys.
6. Hulk Hogan
Lets be honest, to anyone who grew up in the late eighties or early nineties, Hulk is a freakin’ legend. The bleached blond handlebar mustache, the yellow wrestling suit, the shades and headscarf combo. He was epic. We wanted to be him. Remember that scene at the beginning of his cartoon, where he was walkin’ down the road with hundreds of kid trying to touch him? He was the dude. In light of this, it felt a little wrong to start insulting the guy. Then we remembered his recent MTV shit-tip, and all the venom came flooding back! Hulk sucks balls in No Holds Barred, he sucks in Santa With Muscles and he definitely sucked in Suburban Commando. In fact, he generally sucks in any context that isnt the wrestling ring, its surrounding areas and maybe that street we were just talking about. More wooden than a haunted tree.
5. Jesse Ventura
Theres a certain genre of movie that looks dated to our chic modern eyes. You know the sort: eighties sorta vibe with cheesy graphics, cheesy credits, cheesy storyline and cheesy acting, usually set somewhat ironically in the future. Its all somewhat excusable ’cause the films were made at a time when this aesthetic was the norm. The reason Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe does not deserve to be excused for these discrepancies is very simple: it was made after this era. The plot is bad, the effects are shitty and the acting is tantamount to a sharp yet somehow dull pain in the genitals. Some movies are so bad theyre good; Ventura ensures this is not one of them. Aren’t his classic roles in Predator and The Running Man, when he was sporting a ‘tache and still had hair on top, any kind of saving grace? Not by a long shot.
4. ‘Rowdy’ Roddy Piper
Unlike Abraxas, Hell Comes to Frogtown is so bad its good. Who wouldnt secretly love a ludicrous sci-fi horror/action/thriller movie that revolves around bad guys who resemble frogs and Piper’s explosive codpiece? That doesnt stop Rowdy Roddy being theatrically atrocious as the lead. The charismatic Scottish wrestler hangs up the bagpipes and heart disease and picks up the guns, ammo and potentially disastrous underwear in order to play poorly the butt-kickin hero Sam Hell. The movie spawned (get it?!) three more equally crappy sequels and is a must for a night in with the bong.
3. John Cena
What are the expectations for a movie that is a ripoff of Die Hard With A Vengeance and stars John Cena – a man who looks like his face has been overinflated with a bicycle pump? Whatever the expectations, the outcome, 12 Rounds, is a messy amalgam of done-before action sequences and the hammiest dialogue on the planet. Add to this Cenas elementary school level of acting and you dont just have a hog of an action movie; you have a hog of an action movie. Cena enjoyed a decade of success in the ring, but this is a whole different ballgame, and frankly he was better when he rapped.
2. Bill Goldberg
For a muscled dunderhead with a wooden brain, Bill Goldbergs had quite a run in the movie world. He slaughtered James Caan and a host of others in Santas Slay, starred alongside Van Damme in Universal Soldier: The Return , then capped it all off with an appearance in the feculent Half Past Dead 2. In the latter movie, the big man of wrestling plays a prison inmate intent on causing incarcerated gang violence, alongside his buddy Twitch, played by former Vice President of Death Row Records Kurupt. Maybe they succeed, maybe they dont. No one on Gods earth gives a shit.
1. Big Show
Poor old Big Show hasnt had much success in the movie world. This particular turd of a ‘comedy’ might help explain why: yes, in Knucklehead, he stars as a large guy fighting his way across the States. Thats the storyline. The jokes and acting are shitty and it received some of the worst critical panning ever known. It was described by Film Journal International as a “lame comedy about a big doofus who enters the fight game, and to be honest, there isnt much else we can say about it that would do any more justice than that. Dude shoulda’ stuck to wearing hideously revealing bodysuits.